9 weeks

I would be 9 weeks pregnant, if I were still pregnant.  But I am not.  And we are okay. Promise.  Now before you keep reading, a warning.  Please don't read if you are going to be sad or feel pity us.  That is not my intention.  This blog is my journal and my sole intention is to remember the experience.  I want to remember the happiness, the hope, the joy, the sorrow, the grief and the loss. Because without the sad and painful things we wouldn't truly appreciate the great things! After all, those trials and tribulations are what make us stronger. So please, don't feel sad for us, if you will, then don't keep reading.

I should start at the beginning.  We have been trying and trying to become parents for 4 years, 4 months and 3 weeks.  Since December 2006.  We have had our faith and our patience tested with each other, our bodies, and with our Heavenly Father.  We have have been angry, sad, frustrated, hopeful, and at times content with the things that have been placed before us.  We haven't had control over our lives but I truly believe we have made lemonade out of lemons.  We are grateful for the time that we have enjoyed as a couple.  The things we have learned about one another, the time we have had to strengthen our marriage, our ability to concur anything as long as we trust in one another.  We have learned to have an unbelievable amounts of love and respect for one another and what makes us each function.  We have not always been blissfully happy but we have learned how to appreciate our differences and have learned to compromise. Infertility is heartbreaking, testing a person to their very core.  You can choose to let the trials our Father above has given us affect you negatively. You can choose to be calloused and bitter, making life difficult for you and those around you.  Or you can choose to be accepting of the challenges.  Mother Teresa said "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."  At times I am overcome with frustration, and I feel my patience wavering, but I am then reminded of all the blessings I have been given.  We have truly been blessed in our lives and no matter the hole we fill within our family, we can't deny the blessings.

After a couple weeks of feeling overly emotional, and waiting for the monthly visit that only happens to arrive every 9-10 months, I took a pregnancy test on April 13th.  Taking a test isn't a new thing, if fact I always have a couple on hand.  I was due to start an antibiotic in the morning so as precaution I always test before. I took the test and went about my night time routine.  I went to throw the test away without really looking at it because it is ALWAYS negative when I noticed this one looked different than the many I had taken before.  I quickly grabbed the box and began re-reading the instructions label for the millionth time.  I was in shock.  I couldn't really believe it was positive, but sure enough it had 2 very pink lines.  I walked into the sunroom where Raymond was studying and told him we needed to make a run to the store.  He looked at me a bit confused and saw the pregnancy test in my hand.  I threw him the box and pointed out what makes it + versus -.  Then he looked at the test and sure enough he confirmed what I had thought.  He also was very shocked.  We didn't jump up and down and celebrate, we just sat for a few minutes, very nervous inside, looking at the box and then the test.  We then decided we needed to re-test before moving forward into any celebration.  We ran to the store and returned with 13 more tests.  I took 14 tests total and had 14 positive tests.  We were still shocked.  We were beside ourselves with joy and surprise and our minds instantly flooded with all the possibilities.  We couldn't sleep, we couldn't concentrate.  We stayed awake long into the night discussing all that a new baby would mean.  We discussed everything from how to raise a child to what they would be like to what they would grow up to be.  We discussed names, nurseries, diet plans, how to prepare for a baby.  We didn't necessarily care about the logistics we were just very grateful for the opportunity to finally be parents and experience all the joys and struggles that came with it.  We were ecstatic!

We had both woken early the next day and again discussed all the possibilities and changes for our new life together while I got ready for work.  I had been having some spotting which I thought was indicative that Aunt May was coming to visit but nothing to severe.  I knew spotting was normal in early pregnancy so I was still very un-concerned after we found out.  However, the next day at work I began bleeding more and having severe back pain.  I began to panic and as a nurse all the many horrible things that could happen began filling my mind.  I called the Circle of Life requesting to get in with Dr. Davis but was unable to so I got an appointment with Dr. Alejo instead.  I left work early and Raymond met me at home.  I couldn't stop shaking nor stop my mind from wandering.  We met with the doctor and he did a trans-vaginal ultrasound and did some blood work.  He said we would have to wait until tomorrow for the results.  The ultrasound showed I was pregnant but he mostly wanted to know what my HCG level was.  It came back the next day and again confirmed I was pregnant. I went back for more bloodwork on Monday and the results on Tuesday showed the level was increasing but not at the rate they would have liked.  We were back at the doctor on Wednesday for another ultrasound and again the doctor said he didn't like the way it looked.  The doctor discussed possible miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy with us.  He wanted to see if my HCG was rising still, which if it was still rising meant miscarriage was less likely and if it was rising too slowly then ectopic pregnancy was more likely. I was still having a lot of pain and bleeding, but truly I didn't notice the pain too much because I felt like I was losing it.  We chose not to tell our families as we were going through this because we truly didn't know anything.  We were just waiting until something, either the ultrasounds or the labs, come back with more of a definitive answer.  We rarely had other things on our mind, it was always there pushing to overwhelm our thoughts.  We weren't trying to keep secrets from our family but if we had even a moment of our day that we could think of other things we didn't want it to be marred by constant texts or calls full of concern.  We know they would have only had the best intentions but I fear it would have pushed our emotions over the limit.  While in public, at work, or at family functions we continued on with life as though nothing was wrong.  We have done our best to stay busy and keep our minds occupied.  In private, we cried, discussed the possibilities, and all the things that had once seemed possible now being torn away from us. I have been reading a lot, books that I am sure to sucked up into.  It has been a saving grace in helping the time pass more quickly.  Raymond has been working in the yard, on his four-wheeler and been intent on finishing his semester of school off well. 

Monday I went in first thing to have more blood work done, in hopes of having results before our appointment.  That afternoon, after what seemed to be days instead of hours in between, Dr. Alejo discussed our next move.  He said with the HCG level where it was at, still rising slowly, he needed to see a gestational sac in the uterus. If it was not there he gave us the ultimatum.  We can do a D&C now, or wait another week.  He did the ultrasound and there was no sac.  He believes he saw something developing in my right fallopian tube, which if it continues to develop means ectopic pregnancy.  Ectopic pregnancy means it is a pregnancy, a baby that is developing, just in the wrong place.  If it continues to develop there it will cause the tube to rupture causing a great deal of health problems for me and may prevent us from ever getting pregnant again. Regardless of where my baby was developing, it would not be a viable pregnancy.  Our hopes of a newborn in our near future are gone, and our primary concern is now my health and future possibilites.  We knew this is where we would end up, but we still had a small glimmer of hope that it would turn out okay.  We had prayed to our Father in Heaven for comfort, and we have received that comfort. Not a comfort that everything would work out great with this pregnancy, but a comfort that WE would be okay either way.  Dr. Alejo was willing to give us another week before we decided but we knew already what needed to be done and in the mean time it only raised the risks.  We scheduled a D&C for Wednesday the 27th, 8 am.  The D&C is preliminary to see what further treatment we will need to have to completely terminate this pregnancy.  If the pathology report comes back good, then I just have weekly blood tests until my HCG is non-existent.  If it comes back bad, then I have to start steroid injections three times a week with blood work each day.  After that, if things still are not resolving there will be more surgery involved. 

I had a feeling this baby would not be mine.  It was too surreal.  I almost feel that this has happened to someone else and I am just witnessing it first hand.  I suppose I am a bit numb, still in shock.  This baby brought so much happiness in the very little time that we had together.  The hours from when I found out I was pregnant to just before I found out this baby would not be mine to raise were some of the happiest of my life.  I will forever be grateful for the chance I had to be a mother even if only for a brief moment.  This baby changed our entire way of thinking in less time than I would have ever thought possible.  We were prepared for what the doctor would say on Monday and we had already mourned the lost of our child. Our Father in Heaven had been watching over us and gave us the strength to move forward.  We told our families that night which made the finality of it all sink in more.  I was a coward and told everyone through text.  I knew that wasn't how we should have, but I couldn't bare to call and tell each and everyone over and over again.  We have, of course shared more tears and heartache. I have never truly felt my heart break until now,  but we are doing well.  We are stronger than we usually give credit for and together we can accomplish anything.

  

 We didn't sleep much the night before, we both woke far earlier than we needed to and were ready to go long before it was time to go.  We had already mourned our loss and looked at today as just another step towards becoming parents in the future.  I had never undergone any procedure outside of getting my wisdom teeth out and was rather interested about being the patient versus the nurse.  Raymond was excited to be the one to take care of me and be off of the stretcher for once.  He was excited to tease me when I was loopy from the medications as I had done to him.  I chose to have a nurse do conscious sedation versus having an anesthesiologist present, which is generally what they recommend.  It was much cheaper and I have a high pain tolerance so I wasn't worried.  We got there right at eight and went back within a couple minutes.  I quickly changed into a gown and they gave me a medication to help my cervix dilate. Then we had to wait.  Raymond was so sweet and sat and rubbed my feet for nearly the two hours we waited for the medication to take effect.  The nurse came to start my IV and after the third try we were all set.  This was only my second IV in my life so it was kind of fun again being the patient, not the nurse.  After they infused a bunch of fluid, I was taken back to the surgical suite.  I had a lovely table with wings for each of my arms to be extended and tied to.  It also had lovely large stirrups, I was truly spread eagle!  The nurse that was with me all morning was more kind than necessary, I trusted her completely to be in command of my sedation.  She said she would give me some Versed so that I would not remember anything, but I would be awake throughout the procedure.  I don't know if I was truly given Versed because I was awake, alert and talking throughout the entire thing.  I remember everything that they did and how it felt.  They brought a stretcher in to take me to recovery and I was able to move myself right over, I would have walked back had they let me.  Dr. Alejo told me I did great and that he would come see me in a few minutes.  We are truly grateful to be working with Dr. Alejo, he has been amazing and we will continue to work with him.  He came to tell us that it went good, once we got the results back we would decide the next course of action.  We are still on "red alert", the worries of an ectopic pregnancy are still not gone and if certain symptoms arise I am to report to the ER immediately. The nurse kept telling Raymond how her sons better marry tough women like me because I didn't even flinch.  She said she generally has women very emotional, calling out in pain, and writhing on the table.  I did none of the above, which makes me feel good for being a good patient.  Nurses are generally the worst to care for!  She said I had to drink and eat a bit before I could leave.  I ate some crackers and drank down some Sprite no problem.  She said I did it too quickly, so I would have to wait for them to get another set of vitals in a few minutes.  After that was all done, I got dressed and we headed home.  

I feel really good, I can tell when I try to overdue it.  Mostly I just tire easily.  When I try to do too much or lift heavy objects, my abdomen objects.  The pain is better now than before which makes me hopeful that the pathology results will be good.  Raymond has been irritated because I am "not a very good sick person".  He wishes I would just let him slave over me hand and foot, I am more of a suffer in silence kind of gal, and if there is a way I can do it by myself then I will.  He has begged me to take something for pain relief, but I don't need much more than my heat pack. He would be outside working and I would hurry and load the dishwasher or clean up the kitchen before he came back.  He has been way to sweet and concerned about me than he should be, I am doing very well.  I worry about Raymond, more than he says I should.  This baby now matter how brief a time, was ours.  And our love for this child will continue.

We have had so many people pass on their love through texts, cards, phone calls, door-bell ditched gifts, dinners and flowers.  We are truly blessed by all of our amazing friends and family.  We have faith that things are the way they are for a reason.  This is our trial in life and we will do our best to keep our heads raised high and make our Father in Heaven proud.  I believe that “We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” Roman 5:3–5

Regardless of what you may believe, I believe that this child was sent to us directly and is our child in heaven. I believe that we will have the opportunity to raise this child someday as long as we stay faithful and strong.  We will someday have our opportunity to be parents, whether here on earth or in heavens.  We are truly blessed and grateful for all the experiences we have had and are eager to see what our future holds.