No Bueno

My pathology results came back from my D&C.  They were no bueno.  They showed no product of conception which confirms an ectopic pregnancy.  Ectopic pregnancy means it is a fertilized egg growing and developing just in the wrong place.  Dr. Allejo is sure it is in my right fallopian tube.  Swell, huh.  They called yesterday with the result and then I had to go in for some STAT bloodwork.  They called this morning and said that my HCG is still rising which is again, no bueno. If the pregnancy continues to develop it will eventually rupture my fallopian tube, may damage an ovary and will severely diminish chances of having future natural conception.  The risk of having an ectopic pregnancy is 1 in 40.  Now that I have had one, my risk goes up to 1 in 10. 

So, today I was given a steroid injection in my butt.  Yes, in my butt.  Two of them actually.  The medication was very thick as well, it looked like gel.  It felt "great" going in but my rear hasn't hurt since.  The medication is generally given to cancer patients and targets any rapidly developing cells and stops their division.  Unfortunately it targets the entire body. A side effect of the medication is accidental termination of pregnancy.  This is the side effect they are hoping I get.  It is supposed to induce severe-contraction-like-cramping and hemorrhage.  It may also cause nausea, vomiting, headache, dizziness and mouth sores.  I have a very long list of things that may happen and if they do, I am to go to the nearest ER.

It messes with your head.  I have been actively trying to get pregnant for almost five years.  Now I am actively trying to terminate my pregnancy.  I know this will never be an infant to hold in my arms, I know it will only hurt our chances for future children, I know that this is medically required...but it still confuses your mind.  I just hope and pray that this works.  It seems each time we ask for a break, we are given more to deal with.  I guess we are still needing to learn something, probably patience.  

I am constantly uncomfortable. Neither of us are sleeping well.  I always dream of losing things.....a baby at the grocery store, my keys, shoes, sometimes even Raymond.  They aren't pleasant dreams and I usually wake frustrated.  We are just so tired.