We will prevail...

I have been working on this post for quite awhile now.  I can't seem to be able to put my feelings into words.  So I will just start with how we found out, what happened after that and then we will work on feelings.

October 23, 2011

We found out we were pregnant.  We had our suspicions and the fact that we had been on fertility treatments we knew which date we had to test but in the rush of getting ready to go to Hawaii and finishing things up at work we decided to wait and test while on vacation.  I knew if I tested at home and it was positive my ability to get anything done would be shot, my mind would be completely occupied.  Sunday morning we got ready in the upstairs bathroom and tested while we were up there.  We were so excited.  Shocked.  Surprised. Relieved.  I showed Raymond the positive test and his first words were "Are you shitting me?".  Very sentimental huh.  We were thrilled.  Since we hadn't been to the doctor yet we decided to keep it secret from our family.  We spent a week with my entire family in one house and we successfully kept it a secret.  It was so hard!

I was feeling incredibly pregnant for the week or so previous and it continued in Hawaii.  I got sea sick and nauseated just from looking at the ocean waves rolling.  I was tired and hungry ALL the time.  It was horrible being in Hawaii wanting to do as much as we possibly could but in reality I could barely keep my eyes open most of the week.

We were so incredibly scared that things wouldn't go well.  We knew all too well the reality of a failed pregnancy and the heartbreak that would come with it.  Especially if we got our hopes up.  Instead of holding onto fear and despair we chose to grasp with all our might onto hope, love and the possibility of a sweet baby joining our family.  We spent the week passing sweet smiles, tender squeezes of each others hands, and longing looks.  Not one day passed that we weren't secretly sharing our joy with one another.  I must have downloaded 5 "Pregnancy Apps" and every night we would whisper about all things baby, pregnancy, what our future plans would be, our list that was a mile long that we would start when we got home.  Raymond would kiss my belly and say goodnight to our baby at night.  Within moments of confirming we were pregnant our whole world seemed to shift.  Things that were important before now took a back burner and our whole life was consumed with the little person growing within me.

Our last night in Hawaii we went to dinner with my grandparents.  We figured we could share our secret with them so we showed them one of our pictures in the sand.  My grandma didn't get it originally but once grandpa showed it to her again she started crying which then I cried and hugs and congratulations were exchanged.  Later that night my grandma shared with me that her fasts for the last couple months have been for me and Raymond in hopes that we would be able to have children.  It was an incredibly loving moment I was happy to share with her.

We went to the temple the morning we left Hawaii.  Raymond and I both had a strong impression during the session and while we sat in the Celestial room that everything would be okay.  We still were nervous because our version of okay and God's version of okay are sometimes very different.

We took a couple pictures on the beach that we were hoping to use to announce our amazing news to our families. Unfortunately they won't be necessary.

We even bought some keepsakes from our trip for our sweet baby. Our hand carved surfboard was purchased with the intention of hanging above the crib.  It is carved with Whipple Ohana which means Family. The ornament was bought as another possible way to announce to our families.

We got home from Hawaii and instantly wanted to meet with the doctor.  Unfortunately, upon our return I found out that I was being screwed over by my place of employment and they had canceled our medical insurance without any notice.  This has been a completely stressful and emotional event and having to face the financial difficulties which were caused by my work have only made it worse.  My job satisfaction went from an 8 to maybe a 2...on a good day.  We are still fighting the battle with gaining new insurance.

Finally we could not wait anymore and we met with the doctor.  We were so excited yet nervous and scared. The nurses were so hopeful that things were going to go well this time. Randy, our OB, did a vaginal ultrasound and things didn't look right.  I was 8 weeks along yet the baby appeared to be 5 weeks.  Randy was concerned that it could be a blighted ovum, since our calculations and last menstrual period and all that were very strictly documented.  As anyone on fertility meds can tell you, I could recite all that info better than my address. A week later we did another ultrasound and the baby had progressed but still was not progressing fast enough or be where it should have been at 9 weeks.  We did some blood work and unfortunately being Thanksgiving weekend we had to wait until Monday for more blood work.

We told our family and very few friends on the 23rd of November.  We didn't want to see everyone on Thanksgiving and have them all wonder why we weren't 100% yet it was incredibly hard to see everyone.  They all meant well it was just hard to try and be happy and not ruin the holiday especially while everyone was giving me hugs and words of wisdom.  That Sunday Spencer and Raymond gave me a blessing.  Once again we felt that everything would be okay but we knew now that everything would eventually be okay but that this baby was not ours to keep.

November 28, the Monday after Thanksgiving I returned to the doctors office for some more blood work.  Randy had wanted to see me for another ultrasound that week but I wasn't sure which day so I headed over to talk to his nurse after getting blood drawn and I ran into Randy.  This is why I LOVE my doctor.  I asked him when I should schedule an ultrasound and he said why don't we do it now.  I told him I didn't have an appointment and pointed out he had patients scheduled and he said well "I'm curious, are you?  I think they can wait and we will take a quick look."  We did another ultrasound and things had progressed but once again not enough. At this rate it would not progress into a successful pregnancy and a miscarriage was inevitable. We discussed our options and decided we would do a D&C.

Randy went out to call Mindful Medical while I got dressed to see when we could schedule surgery.  I told him I definitely wanted to do it this week and just be done with it.  I went out to talk to him and he asked if I could do Wednesday, I said sure and reminded him I did not want an anesthesiologist.  I preferred a nurse to provide conscious sedation which would be lighter sedation and cheaper (since we still do not have insurance). He said okay well that opens the week up, a minute later he said well can you do it later today.  I said I would call Raymond and ask if he could get off work early.  We both had assumed that I was just getting blood drawn so he went to work and I was ready to go to work after I left the office.  Randy then asked if I could do it right away, I said sure.  I called Raymond as Randy walked me down to the surgical suite and asked if he had time he could come drive me home.  He was just as surprised as me but we knew it was coming and we were ready.

I had entered the office to get my blood drawn at 9:10 am and at 9:30 am I took the medication Cytotec to prep me for surgery.  Everything happened incredibly fast. The women at Mindful Medical were very kind and accommodating. They brought me the prep medication while I was still registering and they were all very sad and concerned for us.  Many of them had helped us in April when we were there for the same thing.  Things happened differently this time.  I was given the medication orally and was able to relax fully clothed in a recliner until it was time.  The medication needed 1 hr to work so it gave Raymond time to get there.  He got there at 10:15 am and I went to change into a gown and headed back to the OR at 10:30.

The surgery went well other than it was incredibly more painful this time.  They had to give me a bit more medication due to pain so I was very sleepy during it instead of being wide awake but I still do remember the majority of it.  When they took me to recovery Raymond said I was still writhing in pain and I was pretty sleepy.  As soon as I saw Ray I perked up and was able to talk to him.  We thought it was ironic that had our first pregnancy been successful I would have been having a baby any day (I was due December 2) but here I sat having another D&C. I stayed in recovery for about 20 minutes and then we headed home. I was 9 weeks 4 days due on June 28, 2012. I was very excited to be having a baby right before or possibly on my 26th birthday.

I was hoping to get a good nap in but it just didn't happen so we cuddled together and watched some movies and had some lunch. I was in quite a bit of pain for a couple days following, lots of cramping which caused back spasms which just made everything worse.  It is very abnormal to hurt several days after which frustrated me because I am generally very pain tolerant. We had lots of family and friends bring dinner, care packages and flowers. Two days after surgery I went into work but because of back spasms and cramping I only lasted about 6 hours and decided to take the rest of the week off.

This recovery has been so much harder for me, both physically and emotionally.  I feel so empty inside.  I hurt from depths I have only now discovered.  My head and my heart constantly ache.  I see babies and pregnant women everywhere.  I am not angry at them, I am actually very happy for them...it just reminds me of the ache which never leaves.  I cry a lot.  I have trouble sleeping yet I am always tired. I have a hard time focusing on anything.

But I have made a choice. The sad difficult times of our life will NOT define who I am.  I will not succumb to the desolation of our trials and tribulations.  We will not stop having hope and we will not stop trying for a child.  We will be grateful for everything that we have been given and for our wonderful life that we have created together. We will be grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant and for the chance we had to love this baby, even if only for a short time. Our hearts are broken but we will be strong.  We will prevail.  Our faith will be stronger than ever.  I have to believe that God has a plan for me.